Ever since my post not so long ago about my speaking issues, I have thought more about it, and went on to do research as to what could be causing them, because the more I thought about it, the more I wondered what it even was.

And after a lot of reflection, I think I might be semi-verbal, and I think I likely have been for most of my life. I never realized it was called something. People would tell me I was shy, and quiet, and needed to speak up. People still say those things to me now as an adult, too. It just feels like no matter how hard I try and how much I push myself out of my comfort zone, I always fall a bit short of being as communicative and social as others, including other autistic people.

For some time, I figured maybe I had selective mutism, but I find that my speaking issues expand beyond when I am anxious. Even when I am not anxious, people struggle to understand me, and sometimes that is what ends up making me anxious in the end!

Sometimes I think I am speaking clearly, but it is like nobody is listening.

In situations where I am anxious, it is even worse, because I feel like if I try to speak I will end up crying instead. This makes me unable to speak at all!

This has caused me a lot of issues. Sometimes I need help, but I am too nervous to have the words to ask for it. I worry if I message, people will just insist on spoken conversation, but then I won't be able to say anything. Sometimes I want to ask to see a doctor, but I just can't! I am not sure if this fully the same thing though. Sometimes I am scared to try, because I am scared I will be misunderstood. Often when I do finally get the courage to bring up a health concern, it will just be dismissed, which further discourages me.

While my communication issues are primarily in vocal speech, I feel like some of it goes with my online communication as well. I have difficulty coming up with ways to start talking to people. I really want to message my friends sometimes, but I can never think of the right words to say most of the time. Sometimes I make art just so we could talk about it, or find posts just so I can send them to them. It is hard for me to think of any good reason for people to talk to me, even when I really want to have a bond with them.

I also have a tendency to mirror the other person. I have gotten into the habit of repeating people's small-talk questions back to them to engage in conversation. When people ask me how my weekend was, and I respond, then I can ask them how their's was. It feels like a life hack to me. I think I learned about this tip on a post somewhere, but I can't remember where, but it helps me a lot I think, though sometimes I forget to practice it.

I worry I lack personality in my conversations though. I think people find me uninteresting.

Thinking about all of this has left me feeling a little sad. I hope there is something I can do about it all. I really want to be able to have strong bonds with people, but I'm scared I'm just not worth talking to at all sometimes. In real life nobody understands me. Sometimes I will hear my voice in videos and realize I sound all wrong.

I feel a little lost. I have been reevaluating a lot of my life with these new contexts. It has been this way for a long long time. I still don't fully know what I am doing wrong communication-wise.

I feel like this is probably also why art feels so important to me. When I don't know how to express something with words, I can just draw something about it instead. Sometimes I even feel I understand myself better when I draw my characters in a comparable situation.

And maybe this is also part of why I overshare way too much online, haha. Maybe it makes some sense that I'd feel the need to share parts of myself somewhere, when it feels impossible to in the real world. I do think I still need to be better at keeping things to myself online though… Besides here, I guess, haha.

I am probably going to be thinking about all of this for a while. I don't know how long of a while though.

I feel kind of silly for feeling so dumbfounded. I guess I just wasn't expecting to check so many of the "semiverbal" boxes.

I guess this is all for tonight. I am tired, and I have work tomorrow. Goodnight.